Be a Poster Child

Welcome to the second installment of A&E’s Mar­tha Stewart Appreciation Corner. This week, I’m put­ting on my crafting outfit (a fleece turtleneck under a ric-rac-lined vest, my new L.L. Bean loafers and a velvet scrunchie) to tackle one of the most stereotypically “col­lege” crafts there is: posters.

Here’s what’s hot (and what’s not!) in the world of D.I.Y. posters. Let’s get the negative stuff out of the way first:

PROBLEM POSTERS

Magazine Collages

Your walls feature artsy shots of skinny people and pictures of bands you don’t really listen to, all blithely torn from the pages of Nylon. No wonder you’re falling asleep in your bedroom.

Things You Tore Off Of a Public Surface

For your sake, I hope your Cultural Studies TA didn’t see you pulling that giant Jonah Hill movie poster off the side of a newspaper stand in Nicholson Hall. Embarrass­ing.

General rule of thumb: If there’s a QR code on one of your wall decorations, you’re not fooling anyone. We all know you ripped that garbage off the Washington Av­enue Bridge. And in our heads, we all have a thoroughly unsavory image of you carrying that unwieldy piece of promo back to your room.

EASY AND HOT SOLUTIONS

Hyper-Minimalist Movie Posters

The cool thing about visual art is that if your art lacks detail, nobody will realize that you lack talent. With the right marker, anyone can make a red circle on a piece of computer paper, and — voila! — the Japanese flag. And hey! Now you have a minimalist poster for “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift.”

Here are the rules: Limit yourself to two or three col­ors. Pick the most important element of your movie and break it down into its most essential shapes. Don’t use too many words. And don’t feel like you have to really represent any characters or plot moments. In the words of our fave recluse, “Simplify, simplify.”

Do go bananas with texture — that’s where this gets fun, especially if you’re making your poster with Photo­shop or real-life paint.

Tiled Printing (aka Rasterbation)

You might not think you know about tiled printing, but you probably recall being in the studio apartment of the coolest nerd you know and seeing twenty-five sheets of computer paper taped together on one of his walls. Re­member? They were covered with dots in varying sizes and shades to form an image.

Unless he’s Georges Seurat’s monochromatic rein­carnate, that guy probably used a computer program called The Rasterbator to make that giant picture of Jim Morrison’s face. And you can do that too! Download the Rasterbator for free, choose an image, slide it through, print it out and tape it together. Bam. Who’s the coolest cat in your neighborhood now? Hint: It’s you!

Black Velvet Paintings

You’re feeling down. Life is a total drag. You’re al­ready failing at school. Nobody wants to hold your hand.

Before you buy a one-way ticket to Frown Town, pic­ture this: going home and finally being with real friends — two dolphins playing in the water, a unicorn standing next to a mountain and a happy panda wearing overalls. Hey, buddies!

Turning your magic-making room into a Lisa Frank heaven can be a reality. There are a few methods to cre­ating the sweet respite that only black velvet art can pro­vide.

If you’re ready to get intense, follow me:

Draw an image on a white poster board. Then find some black velvet — either find a garment made out of it at a thrift store or make the haul to a craft store, and shell out some mad cash for a yard or two. Strategically cut out the black velvet out into shapes and glue those shapes onto the poster. Then color or paint everywhere else.

Now you’ve got friends, baby.

And although this goes against my D.I.Y.-or-die phi­losophy, this is a free country — you can totally buy a kit. These come with a poster already partially covered in black velvet. Some of them come with markers.

Toys-R-Us sells a “Color-In Velvet Art Kit for Girls” for $24. I’m almost embarrassed to suggest it because it’s so excessive (not to mention anti-boy!): The box has two drawers and it comes with glitter tubes, velvet stick­ers, a key chain, a photo frame, plastic jewels and book­marks. Share it with a friend.

If you can’t find a friend, email me.