Don’t Blow Your Cover (Photo)

Haters will invari­ably hate. That’s the cardinal r ule of the Internet, and it’s been proven time and time again. Haters have been tweaking out about ev­ery Internet change since Netscape Navigator shut down.

With Facebook’s new Timeline format thrust upon the masses, the file cabinet where I keep my “Haters Gonna Hate” evi­dence is stuffed to burst­ing. Can’t even shut the drawers.

To haters’ credit, Time­line-hating makes some sense. In spite of its strik­ing design, your unsavory FB followers love it. Your employer can efficiently track down all your party pics — I know! I know! It’s not your fault some­one expertly applied that Bud Light Lime sticker to your can of water. And of course, your exes aren’t just innocently checking out what you’ve been up to lately — they’re checking out what you were up to three years ago.

Seriously though, a word to the crying babies: If you can’t handle the open heat of freely flow­ing information, you do not belong in this kitchen. Chef Mark Zuckerberg and I are going to have just as much fun without you, especially now that our kitchen includes the social media equivalent of a stainless steel double ov­en. Yes, I’m talking about the cover photo.

What an ego luxur y. Two photos. All about you. How do we handle this new ter rain? This wide expanse of pixels is begging for an infiltration of “you” — but how do we do it?

It’s going to be hard to do it wrong, really. There are only two pitfalls to heed: Low-resolution im­ages will pixelate. And because it’s impossible to make your cover photo private, it’d be unwise to make it NSFW.

The thing to know if you’re going to craft a spectacular cover photo is that those babies have to be at least 720 pixels wide. High res or die res.

Let’s talk content: scenery, a pack of pals or a piece of ar t are some natural choices that might already be on your computer/camera. These are all good.

Really, there’s no reason to fret over the choice be­cause anyone who judges you too harshly based on your cover photo deserves harsher judgment.

But if you’re feeling crafty, here are a couple ideas for prof pic/cover photo pairings to get your juices flowing:

EASY THE BICEP

Cover photo: A picture of you wearing a wife beater, flexing your bicep for the webcam.

Profile pic: A picture of you scowling, fists ready to fly.

(Bonus points for cuteness will be awarded if you’re re­ally a weakling.)

EASY THE BEACH

Cover photo: Scenic picture you took of a beach. Or, a Microsoft Paint drawing of a big sun and some water.

Profile pic:  Picture of you at the beach, soakin’ up the rays from the sun in your beach cover photo.

MEDIUM THE LOOK

Cover photo: A picture of you in which you’re looking down and to the left.

Profile pic: A picture of you looking up and to the right.

MEDIUM THE REACH

Cover photo: A picture of you where you’re reaching down and to the left.

Profile pic: A picture of you where you’re reaching up and to the right.

HARD THE TOUCH

Cover photo: A picture of you holding hands with an outstretched arm.

Profile pic: You reaching your arm out.